Editing The Sevant Murders (section)

==Recovery==
Stardate: 2406.03.12.

===The First Meeting===
(USS Nimitz - Counselor's Office - Couns Winters - 0800)

Vanyssa sat in her office going over the evaluation reports from the last mission.  Something was still unresolved in her mind, and she finally placed her finger on exactly what it was.  She  tapped a nail idly on the desk and spoke "Computer, where is Commander Sevant?"  She listened to the response and rose, going to find him.  

[Commander Sevant is in his Quarters]


(Nimitz - Sevant's Quarters - Cmdr Sevant - 0815)

Sevant continued concentrating on the pieces before him. Made of crystal and etched with notches at various places, they were fundamental to a young Vulcans mental and physical control. They formed a sort of puzzle, and a logical test, all in one. While, at the same time, putting it together required only the most fine motor control. It was a technique that Sevant's father had drilled into him religiously for years, something he had perfected and had continued using as a mind calming technique in the years since. 

"No structure can stand secure without a foundation..." he muttered to himself, very quietly. The words were typical, the chant taught to all young Vulcans who used this technique. His poised his hand out above the small crystalline structure that he had slowly been building up over the hours, and moved to place the piece in place. 

"Logic is the foundation of reason..."

He started to place the piece down, but his fingernail lightly tapped one other piece. The result was a foregone conclusion, the entire structure came tumbling down. 

Sevant's shoulders fell, and the piece dropped from his fingers as he contemplated the mass of crystal on the table. It was no use, he absolutely could not turn his mind from the grief at hand, not even over half a lifetime of Vulcan control could pull him out of his void. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, put his hands in his face. The images he had seen of Vicki and the children had replaced Vanyssa's mental call in his nightmares, but if anything those images were even worse. Far, far worse. 

Vanyssa felt something drawing at her from the other side of the ship and felt herself running down the hallway towards Sevant's quarters.
She didn't know why she had run, or why she was so concerned. He was a Vulcan, and even with the grief that he had suffered should be ok.

Should did not make things ok. 

She stood outside his door, hair coming out of pins and curling  around her ears, catching her breath, and hit the door chimer. 

She then realized what this feeling was. Loss. Her loss for David.  

Sevant pulled his face out of his hands by the third ring of the chime.
"Hold," he said in a gruff voice, very quiet, but the computer would amplify it for whomever was sitting outside. He considered the puzzle before him again, then swept it to the floor in a meaningless gesture of defeat. 

Slowly he stood, his eyes half closed. He checked his Vulcan robes to make sure they were secure, and considered bringing the atmosphere back to a humanoid nominal state for whomever was visited. He quickly decided against it, whoever it was would not be staying long. The temperature in his quarters was 110 degrees, with humidity drastically lowered. Vulcan norm, in fact. Vicki had hated it when he changed the settings to feel more comfortable now and again, to her it was a sauna. To him, it was as close to home as he could get anymore. 

He found a seat and sat in it gently, covering his mask of pain as best he could with an even better one, a mask of indifference. "Come." he said, finally. 

Vanyssa walked in and nearly choked on the air in Sevant's cabin.
~Sevant?  It's Vanyssa?  Where are you?~  She asked quietly, suddenly feeling that the emotion drawing her here was gone. She shivered with cold despite the heat of the room.  Something was very very wrong.

When she heard no answer in the dark she spoke aloud. "Sevant? I can sense that you are in this room."  She waited for a response with baited breath. 

~Winters, a telepath, of course.~ he thought with a surge of sudden anger, that he worked to suppress as he flung up his shields again even harder. There would be no more emotional leakage!

At the sound of her voice he relaxed again, and folded his fingers together as he took a deep breath. "What can I do for you, Mrs.
Winters?"

Vanyssa blinked in the darkness as he didn't use her rank, her name or her position, just her civilian title.  ~Goddammit!~  She thought well within her own shields, ignoring the brief surge of anger that seemed to come and go like the tide.

"As Counselor of this starship, Commander Sevant, I think that you and I need to talk about the recent events concerning your wife and child."
She spoke aloud, ignoring the emotions that she hoped were hers and hers alone.  If they weren't, then Sevant was worse off than even she could fix. 

Vanyssa blinked for a second, trying to bring moisture to her eyes, "Commander?  Where are you in this room?"  Vanyssa wasn't so sure that she wanted to see him or the room.  Somehow the dark was oddly comforting....

Sevant tapped his index fingers together for several moments, then closed his eyes. "There is an old saying, Counselor; Time heals that which reason cannot." He broke for a few seconds, trying to organize his thoughts into something manageable. "I would much prefer if you did not attempt to talk to me about my... family."

Vanyssa took in what Sevant had said, and replied after a few moments "You do realize that Starfleet duty prevents me from honoring that request.  And..."  Her voice broke a second. "I owe Vicki this..to help you with this."  Vanyssa found herself stumbling for words, grasping for straws, anything that would help him see reason. "Vicki once told me that your bond was deep.  She said that there were times even on earth that she could feel you.  I know what it is like to lose someone with whom that kind of bond exists.  I don't know much about Vulcan psychology, but I do know Betazoid.  And Betazoids need help dealing with this kind of loss."  She spoke softly but urgently.  He would talk to her, she would help him, dammit.  She had to.  

If not this time then the next. She would go visit the one Vulcan on board and ask her for help if needed.  T'Pal would be willing to help another Vulcan.....

Sevant continued to tap his fingers silently, trying not to cringe at any mention of his wife. Thus far, he had almost succeeded in getting around any mention of her or the children, any indication that something was dreadfully wrong. Only his quarters, with everything intact, and the thoughts in his own head were any constant reminder. His aplomb broke, though the only outward indication of it was his head fell to his chest to cover the expression on his face. 

He was still conscious of Vanyssa awaiting an answer. He took an audible breath, and recovered himself as best he could, and called out "Lights to fifty percent."

The light level rose slowly, revealing Sevant in the only chair his living room supported. Everything else he had left just as it was, down to the last decoration. He knew what psychology said about such things, he honestly didn't care much anymore. Most of the standard psychology texts had not been written with a Vulcan and Betazoid joint mind-link as a focus group. 

In a very low voice he said, "What will it take to convince you that I don't require counseling?"

Vanyssa looked around the room, her eyes widening.  She turned back to Sevant, and spoke evenly "Nothing, Caladryll Sevant, will convince me that you do not need counseling."  She tried to soften the words. "I don't need to go into all the things in this room that are glaring signs now, Sir, do I?"  Vanyssa walked quickly across the floor to stop a few steps from him.  She ignored the sweat, how uncomfortable the room was, and everything external.

"You know the standard procedure as well as I do, Sir.  And the Captain, the Mission Commander, or even the Fleet Commander himself are not exception.  The policy is there for a reason...and I thought that you might prefer me over Kestra.  I knew Vicki and your children very well."
Her lower lip quavered as she remembered trying to explain to Jennah exactly what had happened and why it had happened and how not only was her Daddy not coming home tonight, but her friends were not going to be at school the next morning....

"Standard procedure be damned." he muttered to himself as he closed his eyes again, he didn't need to see another person mourning the loss of his wife, he was still coming out of shock on the scope of the matter.
Everywhere he turned was a reminder that he would never see his family again. Not one of them, or God forbid even two. But three, five if you counted the unborns. His whole world, neatly disposed of by some soporific and a knife. 

"Just what is it you think you can do," he asked, his lips tight and hands gripping the metal sides of the chair with a death grip. "Bring them back perhaps? Find a way to smooth over the feelings, the raw edge of our bond..."

Vanyssa blinked away the tears and stared at Sevant.  This was not the Sevant she knew and something was very very wrong. 

"I can't bring them back, or by Goddess I would, Caladryll.  I would bring them back, and bring back Jennah's parents and fix David..."  She sighed and let the emotions that gripped her trickle away.  "I don't know much about Vulcan mysticism, but if it has any similarities at all to Betazoid, I *can* help smooth the edges...at least so that you can leave these quarters and not feel hopeless..."  She looked down at her hands. "T'Pal said something interesting to me a couple nights ago when she came to pick up her daughter, that I should come to you. I don't know why, but I will do anything in my power to help you, Caladryll Sevant."  She sank to her knees, tired of standing.  She was giving all the power to him, and she hoped that he would take the chance that she was offering. 

Sevant cupped his forehead in one hand, and massaged his temples as he thought. T'Pol, that was the last person he needed looking into his personal life and well being. It was quite possible he was a non-emotional laughing stock of the Vulcans on the ship, most of them wouldn't even be in this situation. He was, of course, a bastard at best in the eyes of most Vulcans. Being a follower of Sybok, seeking out emotion, tended to do that. 

Sure, there were ways that 'Vulcan Mysticism' could help, he had already identified part of the problem. His link to Victoria hadn't been severed slowly, controlled, as would be in a strange case of Vulcan divorce or broken engagement. It had been ripped from him, just a little piece of her was still floating around him, raw. A never ending reminder of the void that he now had to live with. 

Ah, but did he dare tell her, that was the question. He didn't want anyone poking around in his head, not a full-bred Vulcan OR a Betazoid.
His memories were all he really had left, she was just about all he had lived for. What difference did it make, if the memories were smoothed over?

Sevant folded his hands together again, and stared at the picture of his family on the living room table as he considered his options. "Then start talking already," he eventually said. If talking would get her to leave, then he would let her talk. All other options he could consider at a later time. 

"You know as well as I do, that it doesn't work that way.  I'm the one who listens, and you are the one who talks."  she settled herself more comfortably on the floor, and followed his eyes to the table.  There were no words forthcoming, so Vanyssa sat and waited until there were words.  

The Vulcan simply stared at her, unspeaking, controlling his grief only with the anger that was slowly building at this impetuous woman sitting before him, in his own quarters, trying to dictate to him what he would and wouldn't do with his own time and emotions. Still, she was right in one sense, it was her duty and she wouldn't give up. That didn't mean she couldn't defer however, there was no helping someone who absolutely didn't want to talk at the moment. 

"I think," he said after several silent minutes, "That this conversation would best be put off until another time. I'm off duty, regulations do not permit you to simply stay the night on my living room floor. I will consider what you said," 

~Later,~

(Posted by Trout & Melinda Martin)

===The Second Meeting, Into the Nexus and the Past===


'''Stardate: 2406.03.16.'''

''(Nimitz - Counselor's Quarters - Couns Winters - 1800)''

"Computer where is Commander Sevant?"  

Vanyssa listened to the reply and headed off to the Holodeck.  



''(Nimitz - Holodeck 2 - Couns Winters/Lt Cmdr Sevant - 1815)''

Vanyssa arrived, and found it locked.    She over-rode the lock and
walked into the deck and found..a  tropical paradise. 

~Sevant?  Where are you?~  She sent to him, and again, not hearing an
answer, she walked into the program.   She saw him standing by a
waterfall and made her way over to it. 

Caladryll, his hands clasped behind his back and his robe's top fluttering in the breeze, made no immediate move to show that he had noticed someone's presence. Truly, he almost hadn't, so caught up in his memories as he was. This was where his children had grown up, and for ten years he had made a home with his wife. Almost all of his better memories were in this place, or rather the 'real' nexus, out there somewhere. 

He had briefly entertained the thought of going to find it, but it had been short lived. Even the Nexus couldn't fill the void in his mind, and such a glowing reminder would have been the end of the fantasy before it had even begun. He had driven himself half mad the night before, instinctively reaching out to find his soul mate and finding absolutely nothing in return. He had listened all night for the laughs of either of his children, and been rewarded only with the sound of his own sobs. 

Sevant half turned on his heel, putting his back to the wind and letting the robe whip around him in the breeze. He simply stood there, hands behind him, looking at the counselor. 

"You realize that I could sense you a ship away, right?"  she asked softly.  Not hearing a reply she went on.  "What is this place? Will you tell me about it? Please?"  She asked, putting all the gentle love that she could into those words and resisting the urge to empathically project safeness.  He would know that particular trick, and unless she missed her guess, he would be very pissed. 

He considered her for many moments, then turned back to the waterfall without saying anything. Only the scrape of sand on his bare feet made a sound, and that hardly at all. He kept staring, willing his loss to be washed away as the water down the stream. Rather, he found his life still uprooted, much like the cat-tails that were washed away near the base of the falls. 

Finally, in a voice just loud enough to be heard over the gentle pouring of the falls, he said "My control is not what it should be." 

It was the most he was readily willing to admit for the moment. 

"It's understandable that it isn't. Can I do anything to help?"  She asked, coming up behind him and not touching him.  If he wanted to know anything about her, all he had to do was reach out, and she was doing her best not to sense things about him. to make it fair. 

"Besides the impossible?" He turned his head and looked over at the beach. "Walk with me, I will show you a place we once called home."

Without another word of explanation he turned and stepped up onto a rock outcropping that lead strait to the sea. He walked surefooted on the bare rock, comforted by the path he had taken thousands of times when he just felt like wandering. It wasn't perfect, but he had placed many hours of brain sweat into it, trying to get it as close to perfect as he could remember. 

He paused where the trees surrounding them gave way to a stretch of perfect white sand, then stepped off the rock. Slowly he moved his way closer to the sea, his eyes set on a distant point of land, a small hand of the island that reached out defiantly into the crystal blue waters. 

Vanyssa followed discretely behind.  "Is this the place that Jayne wanted to get back to?"  She asked, admiring the beautiful area that they were walking through. "I can certainly see why."  She spoke softly.
"How did you get here?"  She asked, curiously. "Did anyone figure out why?"

Sevant hunched down, picked up a small pile of sand and let it slowly run through his fingers as his memories ran rampant. "Yess..." he said, somewhat far away as the grains slipped through his fingers. "All of us wanted to come back, we didn't really want to leave. But the children couldn't have had a life here, on chance to find others their own age, to marry and have kids themselves." He dropped the sand, and looked out at the ocean again. "This place provided everything, but others. We found it purely by accident, on our way back to the Boudicca after my soul was reattached to my body on Vulcan. I couldn't have imagined a better place to recuperate."

He snorted, "But it had it's faults. It didn't want us to leave, all thoughts of the outside world faded to what happened there. But the children, they loved it..." His face contorted as he watched a dolphin jump from the water. "Especially Jayne," he whispered.

Vanyssa watched the emotions play over the Vulcans face, and sighed softly before continuing.  "Is that a dolphin?"  She asked. "Jayne talked a lot about dolphins, as did T'Loren.  Jennah asked me once what a dolphin was, and I didn't know..they aren't native to Betazed."
Vanyssa replied.

"So how long did you spend here?"

Sevant seemed to mentally shake himself, then looked up at her for a moment. Finally he looked back down to the sand at his feet, and ran a finger through it slowly. "Ten years, give or take." he said slowly, "Ten of our best years."

He stood back up suddenly, and tossed a handful of the sand with it.
"And if we had still been here, there would have been no motivation at all for my family to have been murdered." he spat with sudden hate. "I wouldn't have been in a pile of ruins, my family wouldn't have had their throats slit while they lay prone and defenseless."

His jaw clenched, as he struggled to get his temper back under control.
"None of this, not a bit, would have happened." he said through clenched teeth.

"Why did you leave this paradise, Sevant?  You left because your daughters needed to have a life, correct?  This is not the real world, and for better or for worse, your daughters needed companionship.  You left to give them a life. If you wanted them to be perfectly safe, you would have went back to Betazoid or earth. Why come back to a starship?"

He choked slightly, and his anger left, only to be replaced with the darkest depression and self recrimination. "Because I knew no other way, life on Vulcan would not have suited them. And... I... needed to be with them. All three, They are...were ... my life."

Vanyssa felt the emotions going through Sevant and wanted more than anything to reach out and fix them, but she couldn't without his permission. "Sevant? A Betazoid with that kind of bond would need help in dealing with the fragments."  Vanyssa realized in horror.  "Do Vulcans?"

Sevant covered his face with his hands for many silent moments, thinking, thinking. He took a breath, and finally said "If I were on Vulcan, one of the High Priests would already have severed what was left. This bond wasn't removed a layer at a time, it was sliced without warning."

Vanyssa stood back a few paces, horror etched on her face.  "Are you saying that you have pieces of Vicki and your children left in your soul?" Vanyssa's thoughts spun in circles thinking about what this meant, and realized that if he had a betazoid's passion running part of his life, it was no wonder that his hard-earned Vulcan control couldn't keep up.  "What can I do to help?  Could T'Pol do it?  Does she have the training? Do I need to go tell Aragorn that we have to have a Vulcan high priestess aboard?"  Vanyssa asked, prepared to do battle with Aragorn if needed.  If her suspicions were at all correct, then he needed help, and badly.  And probably more help than she herself could provide. 

"NO!" he suddenly bellowed, "I don't need any pure-blood Vulcan running around in my head, I have enough problems!"

He suddenly stopped, and fought the sudden panic and anger that rose. "I am a lot of things counselor, and hardly any of those principles are looked upon favorably by any of my race. Seeing my more intimate moments is one of the very last things I would ever want."

Vanyssa shook off the anger that poured over her and tried to remain calm. "Sevant?  If you were on Vulcan, wouldn't a high priestess have already taken care of it? You can't go on like this." she hoped that her rational tone would break through this irrationality.  "Sevant, if you can't get help, I will have no choice but to tell the Captain that you are unable to function.  And she will demand that you get help.  You are not in a fit state to make any kind of decisions, much less command ones."  She spoke evenly.  With anyone else, she would have handled this differently.  The Sevant that she knew cared about his career, and would see reason.  She hoped. 

His eyebrow raised a precise half notch, "I'm quite aware of this fact, Counselor." he said shortly. "But quite simply, there is no single telepath on this ship trained to deal with my particular set of problems. If you want to spend a day or two of hard labor learning the very basics, feel free."  He looked at her, "We are too far from Vulcan to do any good, so baring a miracle there isn't exactly a choice in how I decide to cope."

A small frown curled his lips, "If you call this coping, anyhow." His gaze returned to the sea, and its cerulean waters. "My driving will died a bloody death, at the hands of a fool." he said, almost too softly to hear.

Vanyssa stared at him then spoke softly "Could I learn?  I won't ever betray you, Caladryll.  Am I a good enough telepath to learn?"

His lips curled again, this time with about the most amusement he had felt in a long time. "Ah, that's a painful road to travel counselor. Not only do you have to learn about matrimonial mind links, but you have to have strength sufficient enough to deal with a Vulcans emotional state unmasked, completely unshielded by ethics or other considerations.
Anger, hate, love, lust, pure unalloyed desire and the deepest sadness..." He took a breath, "Grief and loss."

He paused for many moments, then began again tentatively. " High Priests train for years, many off-worlders have simply lost themselves, when in such a deep mind meld with a lost Vulcan."

"Well, the choices seem to be either packing you off to Vulcan, which you don't want to do, or me and Kestra, and I think that I am the stronger telepath of the two... Well, I suppose Katie could do it, but it really ought to be one of the two counselors. We are bound to secrecy."  She sat down on a rock and looked into the waves, feeling at peace for the first time since walking into the Holodeck. "I want you to make me a promise, though. One, that if this gets to be too difficult, or impossible, or whatever, that you get help from a Vulcan that is trained to do this.  And, two..."  She stared off into the waves, her red hair blowing around her shoulders. "That you won't tell anyone what you sense from me, no matter how bad."  She wrapped her arms around her legs, suddenly cold.

Caladryll said nothing for several silent minutes. "I will consider it,"
he said finally. "Ill send you what I can for reading material, and let you decide if you wish to proceed after reading."

"What will you do in the mean time?" Vanyssa asked him. "Can you continue functioning the way you are?"

"I will live, I've naught else I can do."

Vanyssa looked up at him in puzzlement. "Would it help if I ordered a leave of absence from your duty station?" She asked, wondering if there was anything that she could do at this point in time. "I'm trusting that the Sevant that I know  would never put the crew in danger."

He frowned, once again suppressing anger. "I'm already on Administrative Leave. Removing me from duty completely would do nothing, I can only be called to the bridge in an Emergency as things stand now."

She looked up at him as the anger washed over him. "Then, if I may take my leave of you, I will return once I've finished my reading with my answer."  She stood up, brushing the sand off of her uniform, despising it for a second. 

Sevant watched her leave, and took a deep breath as another gust of ocean breeze washed over him and pulled at his robe. He closed his eyes and turned his face into the wind, as he tried to clear his mind for just once of all the thoughts running through it.




===Readying for a Spiritual Journey===


'''Stardate: 2406.03.19.'''

Mission Day 18

(Nimitz - Sevant's Quarters - Cmdr Sevant/Couns Winters - 1500)

Vanyssa had spent eh last 3 days between appointments, a meeting with the Captain, talking with Katie about the children, and reading. 

Though she had spent the majority of the time reading.  what she found was fascinating, and she realized that Sevant was not joking when he said that this could be dangerous to both of them.  She queried the computer for Sevant's location and decided to pay him a visit.  There were some questions that she would like answered first. 

Sevant sat on his knees, facing a small candle and looking at it with his eyes half closed. He had not moved from this spot, or shifted  perceptibly, in at least ten hours. He was working to clear his mind, thus far he had failed miserably. Nightmares, visions of what could  have been, various thoughts filled his mind and would absolutely not leave.

The sound of the enunciator filled the quarters, though Sevant didn't hear it at first, so deep was he into pseudo-meditation. A few beeps  later, however, and he came back into wakefulness. He took a deep breath, and shook his head slowly. "Come," he said quietly.

Vanyssa walked into the room, and felt a wave of emotion pour over her, before she shielded it out.  "I have done a lot of reading." She spoke simply. "And I want to help you."  She stood just inside the doorway, the doors half open behind her, since she hadn't come in all the way.

"Sevant,  I want to try this."  She left all the other things out, about how she would be fulfilling Vicki's wish to help Caladryll if something ever happened to them, that she needed to break her bond with David and was afraid to, that she could be in his position too, if David were dead, rather than just unconscious.

She waited for his response.

Sevant folded his hands in his lap, still looking at the candle. "There is no trying, in this." he said in a very low voice. "You will either succeed, or you will fail." He leaned forward slightly, and blew out the candle, then turned his head to face Vanyssa. "Priests and Mind Lords train for years in Vulcan mind probes and other such things before they are properly prepared. Do you believe a couple days reading is all you need?"

He looked back at the smoking candle, and waited.

She thought for a few minutes about what to say. "No, I don't, but I've been trained as a telepath on Betazed, and that should count for something.  And I'm a pretty strong telepath as Betazoids go.  I've dealt with severely unbalanced telepaths on Betazed, and that should also help.  I admit that I've never tried this before, and I'm a little scared, because I know what the consequences of my failing are."

She crossed over to Sevant. "It's either that or goto Vulcan, and you don't want that.  You can't stay like this."

He signed, and closed his eyes. "Very well then," he said at a whisper.
"I require five hours to begin the rites, I need to cleanse myself in the ancient manner." He looked back up and opened his eyes. "Be back here and ready in five hours, Counselor."

Vanyssa looked at him, and then spoke softly. "Is there anything special that I should do to prepare?"  she asked quietly.

"Clear your mind for a spiritual journey," he said, somewhat bitterly.
"Whatever you need should be in the reading."




===Smoothing the Link===
'''Stardate: 2406.03.19.'''

(Nimitz - Sevant's Quarters - Cmdr Sevant/Couns Winters - 2020)

Vanyssa arrived outside his quarters at the appointed time, and found that the door opened for her automatically. She walked in and saw Sevant, coming over to him slowly. ~I'm here, Caladryll~  She projected very softly, waiting for a response. 

Sevant, settled on his knees with his eyes closed, gestured to a rug he had laid out on the floor beside him, then folded his hands together again in his lap. "We will begin shortly," he said quietly.

Vanyssa sat down and made herself comfortable across from Sevant.  She was still centered, her mind calm and she was as ready for this as she was ever going to be. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, waiting for Sevant to begin.

Sevant took a deep breath and cleared his mind the best he was able too.
This was not going to be a pleasant sensation for him, nor for her. What would have been a simple matter of detaching with the person he had connected himself too so many years before, was now going to be akin to surgery, to remove what was left of her personality from himself.
Painful, in action and in thought. 

~I don't want to do this.~ he thought quietly, in a very heavily shielded part of his mind. 

With infinite slowness he reached out with both of his hands, and gently touched her face. The meld had begun.

Vanyssa felt Sevant's mind linking to hers, and she cleared her own, feeling the two join together. It was better than anything else that she had ever experienced, and it made her feel whole again.  ~Stop that~ She thought to herself, looking around the room known as Sevant and trying to find the piece that was Vicki.

~Where is she Cal? Can you take me to her?~  She asked the other half of her softly.  Her longing for David was beginning to intrude and she ruthlessly ignored it, in favor of other things.

~Cal, show me Vicki~  Vanyssa spoke louder, in a more commanding voice.

~ruta zakun~ Sevant said mournfully. 

He 'looked' at the mental image of Vanyssa, and then looked around. The Meld had been achieved, they were connected now. The rite of Ruta Zakun was begun. He half closed his 'eyes', his awareness of all around him, and concentrated solely on his own mind. He projected to her, ::I don't want to go there, it's too painful. This was a mistake.::

Vanyssa felt Sevant reaching for the link that bound them together, and did something she didn't know that she could do. She stopped him. ~No.~ She spoke.  She showed him the image that she had picked up from Kestra of Collins body mangled and hurt. ~Do you want to do that again?~  She asked, a little ruthlessly.  ~If this doesn't get taken care of, the Captain will have no choice but to court martial you~  She showed him an image of what that would be like.

~Now, Caladryll Sevant, show me Victoria.~ Vanyssa commanded. She stood back and waited for him to answer her, in this place where there was no time.

Sevant's mental image bristled, and reared back to strike in a natural reaction to being 'attacked'. But the images made him pause, and see sense. He didn't throw her out of his mind, in the end, but simply sat sullenly as he considered everything. ::This is why a Vulcan master is usually in attendance.:: he sent after a near eternity of thought. 

::This will not be pleasant, for either of us.:: he said as he 'turned'
in his mind and the scene dissolved around them. What came up was an image of his quarters, but not those on the Nimitz. This was the Boudicca, his first full-time duty station. His 'lips' thinned as he looked around. There was no evidence of Vicki living here, these were his Spartan quarters, before his move to Starbase 23. This was why it wasn't going to be pleasant, he hadn't the control to 'bring' them right to where they needed to be. 

The ship was at Red Alert, lights and klaxons were blinking. As if a dream, Sevant felt himself being pulled, as if he weren't where he was supposed to be. Without a word, or even a thought, to the Counselor; he walked through the doors of his quarters and started walking the corridors, letting himself be pulled to wherever he was being pulled. He forgot about his pain, about his loss, as thoughts and feelings of the time period passed through his mind. Here, he had been a Security and Tactical Chief, in charge of the weapons of a pure-bred Warship. He had belonged here, and he remembered well that belonging. 

Vanyssa watched as Sevant showed her  a scene - and she was a little surprised not to recognize the starship. She  ran after Sevant, and followed discretely at the distance. She saw that he led her to security, and she stopped him with an outstretched hand.

~Victoria isn't here, Caladryll. Where is she?~  Vanyssa asked him, blocking his way, and waiting for him to answer.  ~You direct this show.~  Vanyssa turned around and saw the Vanguard  promenade - and heard an explosion.  She was on the Vanguard, right before David had left.

And that explosion was terrorists bombing the restaurant that Jennah's parents were in.  She turned to go help, to get the survivors out, the smoke was so thick, it almost choked her.  She reached out to Sevant, begging him to grab her as she spiraled down into memory and illusion.

Sevant's hand snapped out, grabbing hold of Vanyssa's 'arm' hard and flinging her back. He looked at her hard for many moments, then around him. ::You are bleeding thoughts into mine.:: he said after an eternity that lasted but moments. ::Lock them down, or our memories will be
intertwined!::

Vanyssa stood there, her chest heaving.  She clung to Sevant's arm, and worked on locking down her memories.  She saw the scene shift from the Vanguard to another starship and she turned with a quizzical look to Sevant.

::And, don't go wandering around in my mind without me. You can die just as easily in a meld, in a vision... as you can physically. Die here, and your body would wither without consciousness to direct it.::

She shivered and saw him turn and she went with him.  ~Where are we going, Sevant?~  She asked putting some distance between the two.

Sevant didn’t answer for many moments, instead taking the time to walk slowly and look around. ::I don’t quite know yet,:: he said eventually.
::I'm fighting the impulse to simply relive the memory.::

He turned a corner, then suddenly stopped and shook his head. ::This is no good, this is not a physical universe.:: He frowned, turned to look at the closest door, then gave it a savage kick. The door flung wide open as if it was on hinges, and bright red sunlight filtered through and onto them. ::Better.:: he said very quietly as he moved to step through the door. 

Sevant found himself in a courtyard, his old family home that had passed to him after his father had died in the line of duty with the Ambassadorial Corps. There were several silent peoples standing in the courtyard, all of them dressed formally and nearly all of them Vulcan.
This was his wedding, four months or so after his fathers funeral and into his Compassionate leave from Starbase 23. The people in attendance were one priest, human, and several of his families friends to stand as witnesses. Vicki's family was also in attendance, her father was never far from Vulcan, being an Ambassador himself. 

The phantom Sevant family, at the time consisting only of one VERY pregnant Vicki and Caladryll himself, stood before the priest. Vicki in a simple white dress, Sevant in traditional Vulcan robes that had been touched up by Vicki's mother to be slightly more appropriate for the occasion. 

Sevant and Vanyssa looked on, off to the side and near the fountain, as the phantom family said their vows that would bind them together legally. Another ceremony would be preformed on Earth, a few months later, for the benefit of Vicki's entire family.. But it was this ceremony that had first bound them, as if anything could have been more binding then their love and the mental connection they had made on the Boudicca. The wedding had been a mere formality, but it had still been a turning point in Sevant's life. The very memory of it shook him to the core, but he couldn’t turn away as the two phantoms turned to each other, hand in hand, and began to speak to each other. 

He found himself mouthing the words he had spoken, very silently, in time with his former self. He couldn’t stop himself, the memory was far too powerful. He tried to turn, he tried to stop listening, but the words floating on the gentle wind and found him anyway. "I bind myself to you, Victoria, from now until the end of existence. My joy shall be yours, and I shall only be devoted to you. This I swear, for always."


With their chaste kiss, the real Sevant found he was free to move again, and rapidly turned. "This is the place, Vanyssa. Our mental binding was many months before, but this was what meant the most to Victoria, this is where the link became the strongest. This is where my mind continues to bleed."


Vanyssa nodded and looked around noticing tiny portions of Vicki, like open wounds. She felt so clumsy, she had never done this before.  She imagined herself to be water, flowing over the rocky and spiky parts of his mind, wearing down the spikes and making them blunter.  She continued to do this over a couple and then felt her link with him grow fainter, and with a mental lurch she broke it. They were both tired and could continue at another time.  It wasn't done, but it was a good first step.  She opened her eyes and looked at him,  shielding herself so that she wouldn't sense him. "Do you feel any different?" She asked. "do you think that we accomplished anything today?"

She felt herself grow limp, having to make a conscious effort to  relax her body.  There was this crick in the neck, that she wasn't sure was ever going to come lose.

Sevant didn't open his eyes, he already knew there were tears free-flowing. He couldn't answer if he felt any different, he was too far buried in guilt and memories, dreams of what would no longer be. He took a deep breath, ragged as it was, and opened his eyes to the dimly lit quarters. He was stiff, and his arm was cramped up horribly. Most mind-melds were of a very short duration, this one had lasted far longer then he intended. 

"We did enough," he said at last.

Vanyssa looked over at him, "Are you sure?"  she asked, feeling confused.  She saw the look on his face, and then, since they had been so intimately joined, did the one thing that she would never have done to any other Vulcan. She got up, albeit stiffly and walked over to give him a huge hug.

Sevant screwed his eyes shut at the flashes that hit him with his shields down when she touched him. He quickly blocked out the images, and ever so slowly brought one of his arms around her. 

When they had parted, he said "I will not be sure for some time to come, only time..."

He broke off and looked down. "We shall see." he finally said. "My....
thanks, Counselor."

{{Civil war}}

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