Editing McDermott's Personal Log (section)

===Personal Log: Stardate 2407.03.08.===

Beginning auxiliary log: To be attached to main log upon return to Nimitz, if we return.

My mind should be on this mission but unfortunately it’s not. So many things have occurred since my last entry I hardly know where to begin. Cecilia showed up in my quarters perhaps an hour before we were scheduled to leave to inform me that she’d decided to go on this mission. Quite frankly I could not and do not understand why she felt the need to tell me or justify her actions to me. I personally agree with her decision so it was not like she had to defend herself even had it been necessary. 

Then she kissed me.

I’ll grant that it’s been years since I’ve been kissed and then I was barely a teen but I can safely say I’ve never been kissed like that. Ever! Somehow, although I don’t really know how, it felt as though she had almost no control over herself. Not that I really did either.

I’m not sure I understand what is happening here but somehow I’ve formed a bond with her. I know what she is feeling and I know that she means me no harm and in fact I think she may be in love with me. I’m not sure how that could be possible but from what I’m sensing from her, I know it to be true. It’s ironic really that with all the negative experiences that I’ve had with Betazoids, I’d end up falling for one. 

The experience has been difficult though. Somehow she has formed such a strong link with me that I believe that I am now able to share her mental powers. I’m not sure that she has any control over it and in fact when we are close together she seems to be almost as helpless around me as I am around her. Either way the experience is not something that I want to continue and I’m coming to feel that Betazoid powers may not be all they seem. I personally don’t like the idea of knowing what everyone else is feeling and thinking and I’m going to have to talk to her about it. Maybe Doctor Lamar will have some insights on [[Human]]/[[Betazoid]] relationships, I’m sure I’m not the only one to have ever experienced this. There must be a way around it.

Since we’ve been on board the Hegh’delar I’ve actually held her hand while meeting with the Captain, something that is totally inappropriate yet at the time it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. Later after the meeting we made a wrong turn and before I knew it we were kissing again. Somehow Cecilia managed to get control of things before they got totally out of hand and then Ensign Doorman interrupted us.

Apparently Doorman was offended by the fact that a fellow Betazoid could care for a human like me and physically attacked me. I impressed upon him how vitally important it was for his continued good health that he not do something like that again. Cecilia wants to talk with me about what is going on between us and I know enough at this point to know that what she wants to tell me is very important. She’d wanted Doorman involved although why I don’t know unless it was something specific about Betazoid relationships that he was going to help her explain to me. 

The fact that he tried to kill himself last night has put an end to that which suits me just fine, as quite frankly I have little respect for him and even less now that he’s tried to end his own life. Perhaps after this mornings meeting with the Captain we can talk things out and I can start to come to terms with exactly what is happening between us. I’m sure there will be difficulties and challenges that we will have to overcome together. 

I am not concerned. Life would not be worth living without challenges.

End Log.