Editing McDermott's Personal Log (section)

===Personal Auxiliary Log: Stardate 2407.03.09.===

To be attached to main log upon return to Nimitz, if we return.

Most of yesterday passed in a blur of confused…images and I do not trust the accuracy of my memory at this point. Much of what I remember is simply too fantastic or to be frank impossible, to really have happened. 

Even as I sit here trying to dictate this entry…I cannot seem to make sense of most of what occurred yesterday. Whatever happened my confusion seems to be understandable as Doctor Lamar had to intervene and treat me for this…affliction. The injection seems to have had the desired affect and for the first time in months…I am enjoying silence.

I know it sound ridiculous but one does not truly appreciate the quiet until one spends an extended period of time with a complete absence of it. I also understand now many things that should have been obvious but that I ignored at the time.

So much happened after [[Geneva]] and my illness, many of the symptoms I just took as after affects. Now I am beginning to understand that they had nothing to do with the biological attack that nearly killed me. I am also beginning to suspect that they have little to nothing to do with [[Cecilia Bruce]].

At first it seemed to make sense considering the nature of our relationship but now…I just don’t know for sure anymore. It almost seems like this…may be a problem with me. Since the medication that the Doctor has given me has cleared my mind, I find that I am thinking more clearly now than I have in weeks.

While the doctor did not tell me specifically what the nature of the medication was that he gave me I am…worried that it might have been some kind of inhibitor to prevent me from having a psychotic episode. Perhaps my mothers…insanity was the result of some kind of biological disorder that is now manifesting itself in me.

If we return to the Nimitz alive both that Captain and I are going to want answers yet I am…sensing that both Cecilia and Lamar know the answers already. I must face the probably that this will be my last mission aboard the Nimitz. In fact I may be looking at the last days of my career. If my mental stability is indeed the problem here, there is no way that I will be able to retain my commission. 

I have tried for the last few hours to decide just what I would do with the rest of my life if I no longer had a career in Starfleet…that is if I’m not placed permanently in an institution of some sort. But frankly I cannot even begin to imagine my life having any kind of meaningful purpose if that were to happen.

End Log.